Exactly. Ironic that on our twenty-first birthday foreign terrorists made homemade bombs by flying planes into buildings. At one time, two years before, Dylan would be credited with that idea. It would be the first of many myths circulating about the attacks.

I’ve always been fascinated with Columbine. Morbid, maybe. But the human spirit is fascinating and I remember thinking after the school attacks not really about the victims, but about the shooters. I wanted to understand them – I was fascinated with why they decided to go into their school several weeks before graduating and fire upon innocent people. No, I didn’t want to shoot up my school, but I wanted to know how they could. What brings that much rage into your heart that you open fire on the school library? I was disgusted that “jocks” were targeted – realizing quickly that if it had been at my high school, my Dad would be the main target. He was, after all, leader of the jocks – the Head Football Coach.

Dave Cullen reveals in “Columbine” that there wasn’t a planned target. “Humankind” was to be eliminated if Eric Harris’ plan went the way it was supposed to. Thirteen died-that was a mere speck on the damage that Harris had planned. And Columbine wasn’t a school shooting. It was a genocide. Bombs with the potential to kill hundreds of people – including on lookers around the “perimeter”- were set to go off on timers long after Eric & Dylan had committed suicide. That was the plan. But it didn’t go as projected – Columbine, from the point of view of the killers, was an epic failure.

The plan, outlined extensively in Eric Harris’ personal journal, revealing not the thoughts of a bullied weakling, but the calculated desires of a misanthrope. A psychopath. Eric Harris was psychotic. At least, that was what the FBI concluded. I concur.

Dylan Klebold was depressed. Severely depressed. Eric’s follower, but his journals reveal that while he went along with Eric’s plans, he never intended to participate. He planned on committing suicide way before the attack. Eric was the one who financed, procured, and built the arsenal that they brought into the school. I am not abdicating Dylan of responsibility – I am just saying that based on both boys’ writings, Dylan only desired to really kill one person – himself. The majority of the dead were killed by Eric. The majority of the wounded were hurt by Eric. Eric Harris unloaded his gun significantly more than Dylan Klebold. Dylan mainly stood and watched the mayhem.

When looking at the boys’ journals there was a stark difference: Eric’s was filled with writings of HATE. Dylan’s was filled with writings of LOVE.

Again, I am not abdicating Dylan. As Dave Cullen reveals, Dylan was full of rage. Dylan participated in the plan. Dylan showed up to school in a trench coat hiding semi-automatic weapons on 20 April 1999 and fired upon his peers. Like he said in his farewell video: He made that choice. He and Eric are responsible.

Some of the most chilling revelations in this expose were the debunking of myths surrounding the mass murder – myths that eleven years later, I still took as truth. Things like:

The conspiracy. Besides getting people to purchase ammunition/weapons, Eric & Dylan conclusively acted alone.

The martyr. So many people have heard the story of the girl, when faced with the question, “Do you believe in God?” she said “Yes” before she was shot. That did happen. But the girl lived. Cassie Bernall, the dead girl given the martyr title, never professed her faith.

The Hitler Connection. Most people think the attack happened on 4/20 because it was Hitler’s birthday. Not true. It was originally scheduled for 4/19 but had to be pushed back a day so that Eric & Dylan could get more ammunition.

They snapped. The media portrayed these boys as being bullied and they snapped and just came to school and shot their aggressors. Not true. The planned this attack for almost two years. They had rage issues. They were aggressive. They were depressed. There was no real “trigger” to set them off – this was totally calculated, premeditated murder. And they had fun.

Cullen spends a lot of time on the victims & survivors in his book. The massacre has changed all of them. However, the most interesting “characters” besides the two shooters, were their parents.

The Harris’ have been the least forthcoming. The police gained access to Mr. Harris’ private journal he kept on Eric before the tragedy and Cullen uses it to paint a picture of both father and son. It seems to me as if Mr. Harris knew something was off with his son – why would he keep a journal of his behavior?

The Klebolds were the more forthcoming. I recently read an article Sue Klebold wrote about her son in O Magazine. The Klebolds gave one public interview with the press in the last 11 years – insisting on referring to the massacre as a suicide. They maintain that they had no knowledge of the depression, the bad behavior, the rage.

Neither families take responsibility.

Something I didn’t know – and I don’t think is public knowledge outside of Littleton, CO, was that both the Harris’ and the Klebolds were deposed as a part of a settlement agreement of a civil suit brought on by the victims’ families. Their deposition was sealed. It remains in the National Archives and will be unsealed in twenty years. 2027. My daughter will be 18 – the same age as Eric & Dylan when they shot up their school.

This book was highly informative. The research was top notch and credible – and the narrative was sensitive – both to the victims, survivors, and killers. I felt that Cullen did a great job weaving together all the loose ends that seem to have unraveled. He exposed the coverups of the Jefferson County Sherriffs Office along with the infamous Basement Tapes.

There is so much more to learn about these boys – and I think that so many people wish that legal justice could have prevailed. But I also see that both of these boys were sick – Eric probably would have killed at some point in his life, Dylan could have been saved given treatment. Really, though, we’ll never fully know or understand that inner workings of these two mass murders.

I highly recommend Cullen’s book. Not only is it informative, it gives you much to think about by asking significant questions about our children, our parenting and our schools. So many people are to blame for so many elements of this tragedy. Perhaps the most poignant of the blame is taken by Eric Harris – in his day planner, on Mother’s Day of 1999, he writes, “Bad sons come from good wombs”.

The premise of the class was simple: If there is so much evil in the world and God created everything, then did God create evil? Where is God in violent acts of genocide – the Sudan, the Holocaust, Rwanda? Where is God in war – war is waged in the name of God often by people who perform unspeakable, horrible acts. Where is God then? What about when a woman is raped and then finds herself pregnant and stuck in having to make a decision to keep the baby or not. God allows serial killers to murder innocent people, does he not? God lets bad things happen to good people – so therefore, God is evil…or at least has a capacity for evil, right?

These and so many more topics were discussed during this Spring semester. I know what you’re thinking…same thing my Dad is, “damn Liberal Arts school”…but I walked away from that class with no clear cut answers and probably more confused about my own faith than I had ever been before.

I’ve shuffled the books from that class – and all my classes at Queens – between Savannah, Charlotte, and Atlanta in the seven or so years it has been since I left the dorms…and I’ve never been able to get rid of this particular book. I always knew I’d reread it again.

So a few weeks ago, I’d been thinking of this book a lot…I had packed most of my bookshelf up save several novels for summer reading six months ago when I converted the loft (my “reading room”) into Caroline’s playroom (less for her to play in…more to keep her stuff). I left out this novel in the stack of “Summer Reading” I was already mounting. I also kept out the sequel: Children of God…which was not mine, it was a borrowed book from Diane Mowrey I borrowed when we went to China and never read nor returned…I should probably read it and send it back to her – sorry Diane! Since the book began praying on my mind, I decided to go ahead and start it…405 pages of a novel for fun two weeks before the end of school…I know, I was crazy.

The best way to describe this book is a mixture of politics, religion, & science-fiction…all save politics do I really ever read.

Set in the future, it chronicles a Jesuit mission to another planet from Earth skipping in between Earth time and Alien years…the setting/structure is bizzarre…but it keeps you reading. I found the character development to be real and engaging…even the minor characters were believable. The writing was crisp & clear and 405 pages went by quickly (except with my schedule…it took me a little longer to finish the book than it usually would).

I was, once again, pondering the idea of God and evil…and I know I never finished this book in college (too much beer?) but I did finish it this go round – reading last night until my eyes finally gave out on me and up this morning early to finish the tale.

I don’t have a reaction. Weird, I know. But I just don’t know quite what to say…perhaps I must savor the story’s message a little more – which is to say, continue to ponder if God has a capacity for evil; The Sparrow didn’t answer that question for me – just brought into the forefront the fact that I still struggle with this question/idea/understanding.

I do plan to read the sequel (and then, Diane, I promise I will send you your book back)…perhaps the 2nd book will have more closure and connection to this question. Who knows?

I would recommend this book – but only to persons who want to think…this is not light reading…and at times, it gets a little Star Wars…however, I think the fundamental message that the author is trying to send remains clear: in human nature exists, very clearly, several things: the desire to have some sort of family unit or belonging; the human spirit is only as strong as the belief/faith one puts in God; sometimes, for no reason at all, bad things happen to good people; if you wait long enough, God will eventually appear to you.

I still don’t know why this book has been weighing on me – why these characters have imbedded themselves into my subconscience…but I want to find out…

One other thing – this book made me want to do extensive research on the Jesuits. I find them extremely fascinating and desire to know more.

I might jump right into Children of God…I might take a break and read something different…who knows? I just want to keep my mind as fresh and perky as possible.

~lhw

I haven’t had much time to read over the past year, particularly for pleasure; however, I have found a new found love for reading and have a stack of books I want to either read for the first time OR reread because I can’t remember why I love them so much.

So, part of my summer goal (besides taking 2 hours per day to write) is to read…and then write about what I have read here. If you want to participate…the floor is yours! If you wish to comment back…PLEASE DO!! I love an open discussion regarding reading material!

~lhw

Consumes

the next nine months of their life.

busily, i ready myself for the beginning…
my favorite part:  starting fresh
i vow to
Smile more
Get frustrated less
Engage more
Gripe less
Listen more
Talk less

if only for a moment.

somehow, the summer heat fades into
the soggy autumn leaves left on the ground for someone to
Crinkle

the smell of football friday night
overtakes my senses

Holiday Season appears and disappears
in a flash of homemade cookies, candy canes, gift cards
Amidst
Midterms, final grades, last ditch efforts and request for extra credit

the New Year brings a
New Semester

new promises that are kept for the first three weeks and then
Abandoned like their parents’
Resolutions

And we wait out the third quarter in practical silence
sleep deprivation, depression from the
gray Inclement Weather
starring at us from outside the windows

until finally,

Spring
warms the chill but brings an itch, desire
to be out looking in
can’t Concentrate (actually, couldn’t before)
biding the next few weeks, days, hours, seconds until the bell rings for
Spring Break

Why must we go back?

testing, final grades, can you pass at the last minute
one more novel, two more papers
why are we still working

Can’t we have a free day?

until finally,

the moment comes when the bell rings
lockers are toussed
students run the halls – free for eight weeks

until the summer heat gets hot enough

to welcome us back.

Sweat

and convinced myself that i really did workout

i Didn’t.

i should have rose with the tinging

laced my shoes that don’t fit any more after the birth

harnassed my breasts that are now

Rounder and Heavier

and heaved my newly shaped post baby body onto the

Workout Mat

in my living room, allowing the TV trainers to tell me

I can Do it!

most days i can force myself up with images of

too Much fat lingering on all parts of the body and lycra-ed in by my

Bathing Suit

but not Today.

i lay watching you sleep on the monitor

wondering if you would follow the old or new scheudle

before

i rose to a pseudo work out

while listening to you

Breathe.

Ear

reminding me that i was the one that

Tore

the family apart.

but i know that your truth isn’t the

Truth

which lies somewhere between how you see things

and how i see them.

one day, perhaps, you’ll see that you aren’t always

Right

pompous.  arrogant.

Doubtful.

i just wish She could recognize the

Damage

she allowed you to continue to cultivate

by making excuses for your behavior and

turning her back on

Us.

Wall

to remind myself that i didn’t become

Real

until you were born and until you

Loved

me completely.

i read these words every

Night

before i gently tell you that

You

are the greatest accomplishment on my Resume.

http://liturgicalcredo.com/

Needless to say, I am really excited!

i love her

when she held me in her arms
and whispered her hopes
and dreams
and desires

into my little ear

i wonder if she felt the same
when i opened my mouth

and smiled

looking up at her, asking with my eyes

do you love me?

yes.

Which I pay for monthly

And receive mail

And have

Neighbors

But I just don’t know if I’ll ever consider

The place where I live

Home.

Home is salt water and marsh grass

Climbing the edge of the property

Home is oak trees smiling upside down as

Moss

Dangles from the limbs

Home is squares of history welcoming tourists

Home is cobblestone streets, boats, seafood

Home is summer days filled with heat and sand gnats

And my mom’s sweet tea.

Savannah will always be my home.